Hannah Meets India

What Happens in India...

It's true what they say about India. It engages all the senses (maybe "attacks" is a better word to use here...).

So what is India like? Besides the vast array of interesting (and sometimes not-so-pleasant) smells, the first thing you notice after you step out of the Kolkata airport and into hot, soupy air is one thing: noise. You are suddenly immersed in a cacophonic symphony of noises. Why is everyone honking their horns?... constantly? I mean, seriously? Traffic is stopped, and the horns honk. Traffic is moving, yet the horns still honk. We are passing another bus with just a hair between the two before they scrape against each other... and you guessed it - the horns still honk. I finally reached one solid conclusion about all this crazy honking in Kolkata. Indian cars, unlike Western cars and many other Eastern cars, are not fueled by gasoline as you would think. No, in fact, my theory is that Indian cars are actually propelled forward by honking of the car's horn. There is no other explanation! Because it seems to me that if the driver isn't honking, the car cannot move. I've always heard it's better to show than just tell, so hopefully to give you a better picture of what it's like, here's a little video I recorded while riding home from ministry on the bus.

Kolkata was quite a culture shock for me. After acclimating to the quiet, peaceful, and indirect culture of Thailand, Kolkata was a shock to the senses. Even the language was surprising for me to hear at first. Unlike the melodic rhythm of Thai that I was so accustomed to, Bengali and Hindi are strong sounding languages. Also unlike the soft, gentle demeanor of the Thai people, the Indian people are very direct and have a tendency to speak pretty loudly. Even their facial expressions were completely foreign to me. I had suddenly stepped out of the "land of smiles" into a land where head bobs can mean "yes," "no,"or "yes but I'm reluctant to agree" (I'm still unclear on the head bob, but it is fun to do nevertheless. It's also so cute to see little Indian children practicing the head bob by watching their parents).

The concept of personal space is a foreign concept to Indian people. I found the culture to be fairly aggressive. Even the beggars had an aggressive air about them. Unlike the Thai beggars who typically sit along the side of the road, head bowed, and sometimes respectfully and pleadingly presenting the "wai" to passersby, Indian beggars are very direct and assertive. I learned that many of the families living on the street teach their children to go up to people on the street and ask for money, food, or water. The children on the street sometimes grabbed my clothes (they were particularly drawn to my Punjabi suit scarf for some reason) or take my hand and plead with me to give them money. Sometimes they tried to lead me to a nearby shop in hopes that I would buy them food or something to drink. I learned to be very careful about what I carried with me on the street. I had some instances where a kid would actually take a water bottle out of my hands and ran away with it. Gatorade was definitely risky to carry out in the open. 

Children were not the only beggars I encountered on the street. I noticed older women, surprisingly enough, seemed to be living a lifestyle of begging. Something surprising I learned about begging culture is that begging is sometimes a choice in Kolkata. Women sometimes chose a life of begging over working a steady job... Why?... well, it's fairly profitable. Of course that is not always the case in the begging community. There are also the disabled and those who are unable to work. I saw many beggars with severely disabling injuries or deformities that were most likely the result of birth defects. I won't forget the image of one man walking on all fours like a dog up and down the street begging for rupees. These are known as the "untouchables" in Hindu society, and you can clearly see that this is how the people of India treat them: as those who should not be touched.

Culture shock was something I was undoubtedly struggling with when I first arrived to India. Curry was so delicious the first time... but after a month you start to long for something that is simply... not curry. Luckily there were a few Western fast food shops in Kolkata. In fact, KFC has somehow made it's way all the way to India - what?? And of course there's McDonald's. But you should know, if you plan to go to McDonald's in India, the menu will be quite a bit different from you traditional Western menu. In fact, McDonald's in India do not serve hamburgers. Yes. That's right. There are NO hamburgers at McDonald's in India. Which makes sense because they don't eat beef, right? It's unfortunate, however, to make this connection while you are standing in line at the McDonald's in Kolkata searching for a BigMac on the menu. Let's see... chicken, fish, something that looks like meet but is actually a vegetable... and everything is seasoned with Masala and Curry. But.... where's the beef?

I am told that often when people experience culture shock they feel rather dirty and paranoid that their new surroundings are also contaminated or dirty. This is usually psychological. However, I think can say with a clean conscience in the case of Kolkata, it truly is dirty and perhaps contaminated. Perhaps I'm naive, but I have never seen anything like Kolkata. The sewage. The smell. The flies on the raw meet hanging outside of shops. The sick and infected animals. The trash littered everywhere on the streets. The exhaust from buses and cars. The cows and chickens and other animals wandering through the streets. I also don't think I really ever got used to seeing men bathing in public either. On every corner there are water pumps where people draw their daily water from. It is also (regretfully) a perfectly acceptable place for Indian men to take a bath. They have a towel of course. But still. Also, the world is your bathroom in Kolkata. Does that need more explanation? 

There are also some efficient ways of doing things in Kolkata. Like, for example, tying your chickens to the handles of your bicycle. You see, it's efficient because it keeps the chickens fresh. What I didn't know is that the chickens stay fresh because they are actually ALIVE while they are tied to the bike handles. That was surprising. Another little fun fact is that Indian people never put their lips on the bottle they are drinking from. Instead, they just pour into their mouths. I assume this is a hygiene consideration. Hygiene is important in Kolkata, except for the fact that they eat with their hands. Which makes less sense to me as far as hygiene goes. 

Namaskar

Ministry in Kolkata

Our main ministry in Kolkata was with King's Kids, a YWAM ministry that worked with children who lived on the street. The children came to the ministry weekday mornings and stayed until around lunchtime. The first thing we did when the kids arrived was give them a good cleaning and a new change of clothes (they had indoor showers, by the way. No street showers during ministry time haha). Then we had praise and worship, a short lesson, a snack, and playtime until lunch. Of course the children we were working with did not attend school, seeing as they were with us during school hours. The ministry did help them with some basic school skills as well such as letters, numbers, and reading. 

The children are, in a word, precious. They are incredibly friendly, as is typical of Indian people. They primarily speak Bengali and sometimes a little English. Most of the time I had no earthly idea what they were saying to me (and the translations were usually quite surprising). As might be expected of children growing up on the street, the kids had a tendency towards violence and aggression. We broke up a good many fights. Of course, it is also partly cultural for friends and family to be "rough" with each other. This was shocking to us. Even the staff, who clearly cared for the children and had their best interests at heart, would sometimes give a kid a good smack on the back of the head to make sit down.  

The language barrier also posed a bit of a challenge for us. Nevertheless, the children didn't seem to mind whether or not we spoke the same language. I had three little pals all around age 4 or 5 who took a shine to me. They followed me everywhere. Often all three of them found it of vital importance to sit on my lap at the same time. It was a bit crowded, but of course I didn't mind. 

When you are in a clean, comfortable house working with these children it is easy to forget the reality of where they come from. I knew they were street children. But I didn't know exactly what that meant until one day when we went on a "prayer walk" as Tapos called it. Tapos, one of the King's Kids staff asked us to go prayer walk with him one morning around the neighborhood, so we packed up our water bottles and headed out in the heat following him blindly down the Kolkata streets. I didn't really know where we were going (Tapos spoke English, but was a pretty quiet kind of guy and didn't care much for explanations anyway), but we were going at a pretty fast pace which made me wonder if our prayer walk actually had a destination at the end of it. We darted across streets and weaved through the busy streets for quite some time, until we came across one crowded street lined with the makeshift living areas of people living on the streets. I soon found out that these were, in fact, the "homes" of the children we were working with.

I think this excursion to the children's living communities was one my most significant experiences in India, because I suddenly had this revelation: homelessness is a way of life.

I'm not sure what I expected to find when we visited the children's homes. Sad and dirty teary eyed faces of undernourished children? Maybe. Of course there were some. But what I also saw was children having lunch with their mom, their dad, their grandmother, their sisters and brothers, and their sisters and brothers-in-law.  I saw groups of fathers sitting in a circles on a mat on the ground playing cards and chatting and laughing with each other. I saw mothers sitting on makeshift stools stirring pots of boiling fish soup while talking with their daughters about something that seemed rather important. I saw children playing cricket in the streets with the children of other homeless families living in their communities. I saw lots of smiling, friendly faces who offered me a bowl of soup, despite the absolute poverty they were facing. In a word, I saw one simple thing: family. I saw that the children I was working with did indeed have families to go home to. That was pretty significant.

Of course I'm not saying homelessness is an easy lifestyle or even a good lifestyle, but it is definitely just that: a lifestyle. It changed the way that I viewed the children I was working with. I had a little more insight into their way of life. I was able to empathize and understand their perspectives better. Not all homeless families are living in defeat or helplessness as maybe I had assumed. They are a creative, intelligent people bursting with life and enthusiasm (of course, in some cases, the enthusiasm may be a little misguided). Nevertheless, I loved working with the children. And I miss them even now.

Another experience that really impacted me in India was working at the Mother Theresa Home's ministry Prem Dan. This is a good sized facility filled with people, the majority elderly, who are dying or destitute. What I witnessed at Prem Dan was unlike anything I've seen before. A hundred or more elderly women sitting in rows in plastic chairs. Just waiting. Waiting for snacks, lunch, or nap time. Not much else to do. Many were so helpless from sickness, old age, physical injuries or deformities. I saw an acid victim for the first time. As volunteers, we helped with basic chores like cleaning and laundry, but we also were able to spend time with the women. Most just needed help eating, getting to the bathroom, or help putting on lotion. I was particularly drawn to one elderly woman who grabbed my hand when I was walking by. She spoke Hindi, and I couldn't understand a word she was saying, but she was quite interested in talking to me. I massaged her hands and arms and feet with lotion, listening a little helplessly as she spoke to me in Hindi. She teared up several times and kissed me over and over again. She seemed so lonely. And so thankful for someone to care for her. My heart broke when I thought of my own grandmother and how devastated I would be to know she was spending the end of her life here. Alone. Forgotten and unnoticed. I cried so much when I had to leave. She seemed to remember me when I returned the next week and became a little emotional. She kissed me again and again. I don't even know her name....

Of course I can't talk about ministry in India without my team - Tiger Team. Oh, we had our hard times. But I can confidently say these guys loved me through the good and the bad. Even when I was being difficult - which I was at times, and even when the situation was difficult - which it often was, I felt safe and loved with them. Miss my Tiger Team (although we sometimes felt like kittens hahaha).

India was a difficult time for me, but also challenging in a good way. I think I know a lot more now about the world and how others live. My heart has grown a little more to embrace a world subject to such difficult problems like poverty, trafficking, and terminal illness. I'm not sure if I will be returning to Kolkata soon, but I am definitely grateful for the experience. I will never forget the faces and stories of the people I encountered there. I hope I was able to serve them, even if it was in a small way. But no matter how much or little impact I made, I know for certain their lives and stories have impacted me.

Brandi, myself, Brietta, and Manit in front of a Sari shop in Kolkatta.

The gang after a delightfully cold and unexpected thunderstorm

Victoria Monument, Kolkata India

Hannah Meets the United States

The Shocking Truths of Reverse Culture-Shock

Maybe you already know, but Iʼm actually back in the United States now. Iʼm back at home amidst my fellow Americans, sipping coffee, speaking English, driving around town, and reacquainting myself with western culture. Itʼs the end of one very long, very significant journey for me - and just the beginning of another life-long journey which I am even more excited about. And now that Iʼm back in home sweet America I have one very precious gift back in my life, and that my friends is the gift time. I now have time to write to you all about the last half of my adventures overseas since time did not permit me to record them while I was abroad.

But first I will catch you up to where Iʼm at now presently. Mainly I am dealing with an entirely new concept to me of “reverse culture shock.” Oddly enough (and it's quite common, I am told), many missionaries living abroad who return to their home countries often experience culture shock when reentering their own countries....What?

Itʼs true though. I mean, it does make sense when you think about it. Yet for someone like me who had so anticipated returning to the familiar things of life with my family and my hometown, experiencing a sense of panic upon returning to the United States was a bizarre and difficult-to-accept reality. It took days for me to be able to leave my house without feeling my throat tighten up, my breaths quicken, and my hands shake. It didnʼt matter where it was - the store, the mall, or simple driving around town - all these places were triggers of stress for me. I felt so lost in my own culture. After being away so long, it was difficult to figure out how I “fit in” once again in my culture. Even the little things, like greeting someone, for example, was difficult to me. Maybe my Thai isnʼt exactly great, but the first words that would come to my mind when trying to say “hello” where not English words anymore! Often my brain just came to a stand-still when sorting between the English and Thai words that I couldnʼt think of any words at all.

What made it even more difficult was that everything here was the same essentially, yet I knew I was completely different personally. Traveling had changed me (hopefully in a positive way). Nevertheless, I could feel myself struggling to meet my old expectations of myself to fit in with my former life and my previous routine. Now that Iʼm home... What do I do? And more importantly who am I here? Now? All these questions are things I know I am still sorting through. And I am immensely grateful for my gift of time more than ever now.

My gift of time has come in handy in other ways too, since when I returned to the States I was not only dealing with the emotional issues culture shock, but also health problems from illness during the trip. Iʼm happy to report that now, two weeks after coming home, I continue to be parasite-free and am now infection-free as well. Iʼm feeling a lot stronger and healthier once again. Thank You, Jesus!

“Where Feet may Fail...”

Now I'm taking time to reflect on my adventures in these quiet moments. He has brought me through so many places this year. Now that Iʼve climbed the mountain and crossed through so many valleys, I can see a marvelous plan for my life unfolding like Iʼve never seen before. The dreams from my childhood  and my youth are somehow coming together and weaving this beautiful tapestry of Godʼs promises for my life and my future. I am amazed at how God never forgets a promise. He connects all things, and even though I may give up on them or forget the dreams God placed inside me, He doesnʼt. And He reminds me of them as we walk together.

I must admit, however, that standing here at this place where I can so clearly see the hand of God throughout my life and His perfect orchestration of events, only came by walking through very difficult places where I could see nothing at all. To be honest, there were many experiences that were hurtful to me during the trip. I did not understand why things happened the way they did at times. I also had to learn some very unpleasant realities about the issues of trafficking, poverty, violence, and injustice in the world. I questioned many things. I wanted to run home time and time again and, under the circumstances, it would have been pretty acceptable. The injustice was overwhelming to me at times. Like the lyrics of the Hillsong song Oceans, I felt God had “called me out upon the waters in oceans deep where feet may fail.”

One thing I noticed during my trip was that I often I felt like was what I was doing didn't really matter. God had given me such big dreams, but I felt like they were continually being put on hold. Although I believed I clearly understood what God wanted me to do, I often met roadblocks or something unexpected would happen that would defer my dream again and again.

I remember a few months a go in a moment of deep pain when things seemed so unfair or unjust, Jesus spoke to me softly this oh-so-familiar verse from Proverbs 13:12: “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.”

It seemed cruel at the moment for Jesus to already point out what seemed so obvious. Yes. I know. My hope keeps getting deferred - and it certainly does makes my heart sick! Why are we going over this again?

And then Jesus asked me one simple question. In such a soft, simple, and kind way Jesus whispered to me, “Hannah... where is your hope?”

In that moment I began to understand something that has laid a foundation so important and so crucial for the mission that lies ahead of me. When Jesus asked me that question, I realized that my hope was not always in Him. My hope was in a number of things actually. They were good things even. God-things. Promises of a family. Promises to be of aid to those in need. Promises to learn and understand new things and see new places. Promises to bring justice to the oppressed. Promises be a light in the darkness and show mercy to the forgotten. Promises to be one who extends kindness and compassion the unloved and unwanted. Somewhere along the way, however, my hope had shifted from from Promise-Giver to the promises themselves. And again and again found my hope being deferred and my heart consequently getting hurt.

In this journey, I have realized that the truth is as simple as this: Jesus is the only one in heaven or earth or under the earth Who does not change or waver or shift or falter. He is steady. He is stable. He will not fall. And if our hope is in anything or anyone that is not Jesus, it will inevitably be deferred. Because no matter how good our hopes and dreams are, they are changing. But Jesus is unchanging. And All these longings will be deferred unless our hope is in Jesus - the unwavering, steady, unchanging Jesus. He is the only one able to complete them. And He is the only one we can truly trust with our hopes and dreams.

It is a beautiful thing when our hope is genuinely placed in Jesus. The promises, dreams, and “longings” Proverbs talks about begin to grow down deep. They take root in a foundation that is unwavering and unchanging and soon grow up strong to become a “tree of life” that eternally produces the sweetest of fruits in our lives. When our hopes are placed in Jesus, we are not bound to our expectations of how His promises will come to pass. Instead, we are free to step back from the complicated process of trying to deduce Godʼs plan in our lives, and take in the beautiful tapestry of promises strung throughout our lives and woven together by the hand of God Himself.

So I stand here on the other side of it all filled with with hopes and dreams and promises I know that God has imparted to me for my life during this trip. Nevertheless, I know this lesson of trust in the unwavering, changing God will keep me grounded as He sends me out even further and even deeper into these waters. I know He has tested me and I pray I continue to follow His lead “when my trust is without borders when we walk across the waters... wherever He will call me.”

When there are no words...

Greetings from sunny Thailand!

It's been another busy few weeks for this girl. We just wrapped up a week-long summer camp called Camp Zoe for the kids we have been ministering to in the local neighborhoods. I woke up at 12:30 PM this afternoon, if that tells you anything about just how tired I was after getting back from camp.

But it was such a good time. Something I've noticed about myself during our ministry times is that I have a tendency to get quite nervous before any outreach event. I don't even always realize that my nerves are peaking until the day we leave, but I noticed it a little early on this time. Why do I do this?

Maybe I fear new things. I think that's a big part of it. I worry that I won't be able to really help the kids because I don't speak the language. I worry that I will be overwhelmed or unable to handle a new situation. These are the thoughts that pass through my head the days before we leave.

But then there is that moment when I see the kids, and all my worries seem to fade. I remember why I came. I came for them. And I realize I don't have to speak the same language to show them I care, to offer a shoulder to a sleepy child, to teach them windmill high-fives, or offer a hug and a smile. This is what I have to give right now. And that's important. Maybe I can't tell them in words what I want to say, but there are some things that transcend language. And that's comforting to me.

We leave for India in just a few days (April 18th), and I know these are lessons I will need to carry with me as I enter a completely new culture with a totally different language. Please pray for me.
Pray for wisdom and grace and discernment and peace. I believe God is stretching me to not only embrace one new country and culture, but the entire world for His kingdom.

Next stop: India. :)

Perfect love casts out all fear...

Khop Kun Prajow! (or "thank you, God!" for English speakers. Did I tell you all that I am Thai now? ;)

Just a quick little update from the other side of the world. But as is true with any good story, we have to have small back story first. 

When we first heard we were going to India, I have to be brutally honest, I wasn't excited. I suppose I was secretly hoping we could stay in Thailand. Learning another culture? For only four weeks? Getting used to new customs and a new language and a new housing situation? It intimidated me a little. Maybe that was it: I was a little afraid of the "unknown."

So now we are only a week away before the outreach fee is due and the prospect of actually leaving Thailand and going to India suddenly became quite real to me. Filling out visa applications. Looking at my bank account balance. Taking passport pictures. The uneasiness I felt initially returned (and returned rather strongly). I knew I needed a "come to Jesus meeting." And that is exactly what I did. I took a day to just talk to Jesus, and I came to the conclusion that there was simply one thing keeping me from enthusiasm towards India: fear.

I was afraid. I was afraid that I would have a similar reaction to the spiritual climate in India that I encountered in Pattaya. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to handle it. Can I deal with the emotions? The heartache? The spiritual warfare? Am I strong enough? Is it doable? And I realized that slowly I had become quite resistant to the idea of leaving Thailand. For one thing, I didn't have the money. So maybe I shouldn't go. For another, I like Thailand! Why can't we stay? And the doubts came in, and I let them speak to me. 

But Jesus found me, hiding as usual. He said, "Hannah. My dear sweet Hannah. I am going to release the outreach funds to you, but I need you to deal with the fear first." So that's what I've been doing. Going to Jesus, and asking for His perfect love to cast out fear. I don't want any fear to keep me from doing what God has called me to do. I don't want to hide. I don't want to stay somewhere just because I'm comfortable if God is calling me to another place.

So after I was generally done praying, I got back on the bus to home sweet Bangna Villa, and got a text from my mom. She said that one of dear family friends was sending me a letter with some financial support. I was amazed. God was already releasing finances! Just like He said! The next day, mom texted me again. "Are you sitting down, Hannah?" She asked. "You've been given $1,000!!)

I couldn't believe it. And I also couldn't stop crying. Just like Jesus said! He was releasing finances as I released my fears to Him! 

My heart is at great peace today. I feel more freedom. Freedom to dance again. Fears are leaving, and perfect love is coming.

Thank you for praying for me. I'm halfway there as far as finances go. I'm trusting God for everything I need. Bless you all! Look forward to hearing from you.

~Hannah

Memoirs of a red-light-district first-timer.

I've never been to a red light district before. I can't say I ever really wanted to go. The thought occurred to me that maybe I should, just to see what it's like, but nothing more than that. We spent our last week of DTS in Pattaya, which is one of the hot spots for human trafficking in Thailand. 

Oh man. How can I describe it?

How can I describe it? Emotionally, it was one of the worst feelings I've really ever felt before. I had been doing reasonably well in Pattaya the days before our evangelism outreach. I was feeling a bit of a burden for the city inside, but nothing overwhelming or unreasonable. But as we drove to the downtown red light district in the songthaew, I could feel the spiritual climate changing around me. Panic rushed over me. Fear overwhelmed me. I didn't understand. I was fine earlier? What was happening to me? I couldn't stop shaking. I felt tears filling my eyes.

We got out on the street for dinner before we were to meet up at the prayer room. I was not okay. I knew I was not okay. I didn't feel safe, though there was no visible threat. I knew I was panicking. I had a few of my fellow YWAMers pray over me. Though I felt a little better, I still couldn't stop crying. I felt exhausted already and we hadn't even started our ministry yet.

When we were in the prayer room I was in agony. The spiritual climate of the place was overwhelming to me. I felt like I could almost "see" these awful, dark spiritual beings camping around the prayer center. They were hiding in the darkness, in the alleys and the side streets and behind closed doors. But I could see them. Deep inside, I knew they were there. What was worse was they knew I was there too, and I don't think they liked my presence there. I was bringing in a light that was definitely stirring up things.

I prayed several things in the prayer room. The first was Psalm 91. 

Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
    will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.^[a]
 I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
    my God, in whom I trust.”

 Surely he will save you
    from the fowler’s snare
    and from the deadly pestilence.
 He will cover you with his feathers,
    and under his wings you will find refuge;
    his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
 You will not fear the terror of night,
    nor the arrow that flies by day,
 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
    nor the plague that destroys at midday.
 A thousand may fall at your side,
    ten thousand at your right hand,
    but it will not come near you.
 You will only observe with your eyes
    and see the punishment of the wicked.

 If you say, “The Lord is my refuge,”
    and you make the Most High your dwelling,
 no harm will overtake you,
    no disaster will come near your tent.
 For he will command his angels concerning you
    to guard you in all your ways;
 they will lift you up in their hands,    so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
 You will tread on the lion and the cobra;
    you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

 “Because he loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him;
    I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.

He will call on me, and I will answer him;
    I will be with him in trouble,
    I will deliver him and honor him.
 With long life I will satisfy him
    and show him my salvation.”'

This verse saved my life, so to speak. When I prayed it out, I felt peace rush in like a flood. My heart was still. Jesus came and spoke gently to me. He said, "perfect love casts out fear!" And as He spoke, I could feel His arms around me. He was right: His love chased away all the fear, all the panic, all the anxiety that was overwhelming me, and I let myself go limp in His arms. I was okay. I was doing better. The dark things couldn't touch me. 

And it was good He gave me this word then, because what I saw next may have been too much for my heart to handle. You read about these things. You are told about it in class. But it's different actually walking down the street. Pinkish red lights glowing down the sides of the streets. The women were lining up, lounging at bars, singing and dancing, strolling along the sides of road, hoping to get business. Men having them turn around while they observe at every angle, picking out which they like best. It's little more than butcher's shop when a customer is deciding which cut of meat he likes best.

But these women (and lady-boys too) are people. They are daughters and sons. They have families. They have names. They have stories. Though the value of their life has been demeaned in the situation, they are precious. They have worth. The sad truth is that many of them were sold into this lifestyle so they could make ends meet for their families. Many are abused. Many are prisoners. 

I couldn't stay long on the street (which I was told was reasonably mild for Pattaya). I would be lying to say I did not struggle the rest of the night as well. It was still difficult. The tears finally stopped, but my heart was somber and reflective. I still felt the heaviness, and it only left when we left that area of Pattaya. I was very tired the next day, but I think this was an experience I needed. I need to know what I am protecting the children I am working with from. They don't have to live like that. No one was meant to live like that, and I think that's why it was so disturbing for me. This is not God's idea. This is not how intended people to live. So I still wait and pray and ask for God's Kingdom to be established. For the captives to be rescued. For children to be protected and allowed to have a childhood. And for perfect love to cast out fear. 

I wish I had more time to write to you all about all the things I am experiencing and learning. Time is a little sparse here. God is doing tremendous things in my heart. And I am truly experiencing breakthrough and growth in my life. Please continue to remember to pray for me. I have one pressing prayer need: finances for our outreach to India. I am in need of financial support for the remaining three months of DTS. The total cost is a little more than $2,000. I have only about a third of this right now. With just a few weeks before the fee is due, I am definitely practicing trusting God for His provision financially. So please keep me in your prayers. I miss you all back home! I'd love to hear from you!

Blessings!

Hannah

What to do.

Never a dull moment. That's all I have to say...

....Okay, maybe I will say a little bit more.

It really has been an incredibly busy last few weeks for the DTS students here in Bangkok. School. Workshops. Outreach. Ministry preparation. More outreach. More school. Rugby tournament. Homework .... trying... to catch... my breath!

But we have today off, which is lovely.

I feel like I am still processing a huge amount of information at the moment. We are learning and experiencing so much. This issue of human trafficking is growing closer and closer to my heart. It's so different to actually be here working with the kids than just learning about the issue from afar. Here I am hugging them, trying to speak very awful broken Thai to them, painting their faces, learning their names (which can be a challenge in itself), and seeing where they live. It puts things in perspective. And when I am sitting across from the children on our way back to the slums on the Songthaew, I am able to catch a calm moment and quietly think. I observe the little girls giggling and singing a song in Thai that I don't understand at all (but am immensely enjoying, nevertheless), and I just think to myself - it's children just like this, isn't it? These happy, completely normal little children who are at risk to be trafficked into a life of slavery. Could that be true? 

And it is true. These are the at-risk-kids. It's children just like these who are being taken, traded, and sold into trafficking rings (and even in some cases, the children themselves are running away from and voluntarily joining the sex trafficking industry). They are being taken to brothels. Exploiting. Drugged. And forced to dance on the sides of the streets, and sold for a night or sometimes an entire day for next-to-nothing. They are filmed and photographed and used for material in child pornography videos. They are abused again and again by pedifiles or people who just want to try something "new."

And it's not just sex trafficking that is an issue. Forced labor and beggar rings are just as bad and maybe even worse. The children are forced to work (sometimes on fishing boats) with no compensation. They are drugged, raped, and abused by their captors. In beggar rings, the children (and sometimes even infants) are drugged and forced to beg on the streets or sell different items. Infants are drugged so heavily sometimes they die. If the children survive, the affects of the drugs are devastating. Development is stifled and, consequently, many children sometimes suffer from mental retardation. The children live in fear and absolute confusion. Often times if the children don't bring in a certain amount of baht to their captors, they are terribly beaten.

How do you help these children? What can you do? How do you bring justice?

I don't know the answers to all these questions. But I know what the Lord has called me to do. And I am following Him, one step at time. I know I rush things sometimes (okay. Maybe most of the time). My passion sometimes passes over planning and preparation. So I know that God has a plan in place, though I don't always know the step after the one He has told me to take. And I know right now, I am to learn about the issue. Seek Him. Deal with all of my own personal "stuff." And trust His lead. He told me this is my calling, and He will "open the doors" for me. So that's what I'm praying. God, open the doors that need to be opened. And close the doors that need to be shut.

So please keep praying for me as I process these things and trust the Lord with my calling, giftings, and training. I miss you all back at home! :)

So many things! :)

It's been an INTENSE last couple of weeks. We are getting into the swing of things. Learning how to get up before the sun to exercise, diving into ministry and outreach, and of course going to class.

This weeks topic was "forgiveness and redemption." Leading up to the week, I've felt an undeniable stirring in my spirit. The staff told us this would be a monumental week. And my spirit was definitely I'm agreement. Class after class my heart was pounding. I could feel Jesus bringing out of darkness issue after issue that would be dealt with on ministry day. And that's the thing about this week for me. I feel like the main thing God has been dealing with me about has been one thing: giftings.

Intercession. Prophecy. Counseling. Teaching. I have been on a crash course practicing and learning about each of these things The Lord has placed inside me. God will give me verses to pray. He will guide me to people who He wants me to intercede for. He has been bringing people into my life who need someone to talk to. He gives me wisdom to share with them. He gives me insight into the spiritual things going on, I've even been "accidentally" painting actual dreams my friends had the night before when I'm painting just for fun. I'm able to give it to them as an encouragement.

It's not been without its struggles. It's sometimes tiring to stand in the gap. But I feel like this is an area where I simply need to trust God more. Relax. Rest. And just follow His lead.

This was also the first week I've been able to participate in ministry. I am part of what we call "youth night." It's a small gathering of local teenagers who are student leaders in their community. I shared on "God healing our broken hearts." The response was beautiful. We prayed with the children afterwards as one by one they shared with us their broken hearts. We all cried together and hugged. Then had a massive dance party afterwards since our hearts were feeling a bit lighter. :)

Something else has even going on with me in regards to my calling. Each week we have a workshop where we learn more about human trafficking. The stories are startling and disturbing. I intend to share a little more about them soon. But for me personally, I feel like my heart "woke up." I heard God say very clearly "this is your calling." Immediately afterwards, our speaker said "if God is calling you to this, He will open doors." This was incredible to me. After hearing all the statistics, all the horrific things that go on, it felt so daunting. Like an impossible task. But not for me. Because God has called me, and "He will open doors."

So that's a glimpse into my week. I miss you all States-side so much and I live hearing from you. Pray for our team when you remember us. I know many of you do everyday. We will be going to India for outreach (YAY!) and then finishing up our DTS in Chang Mai (northern Thailand). Exciting things lay ahead!

Until next time :)